STAR WARS

This is one of the few instances where I’ll be able to tell you guys a story and actually know how old I was when it took place. I was somewhere between 11 and 12. 

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I know this because Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was coming out soon. I remember being pretty excited for it, despite the fact that I never actually got around to going to see it in theaters. 

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I was in the living room and a commercial for the film came on. It was like my generation was getting it’s own Star Wars.

I casually remarked to my dad that I thought it was weird that Lucas wanted this new trilogy to take place before the original trilogy, but I still really wanted to see it. 

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My dad didn’t understand what I was talking about, because he had yet to hear that the new trilogy was a prequel trilogy. He thought I was lying. 

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I guess he thought Phantom Menace took place after Return of the Jedi, in accordance to how they were released.

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I tried to explain to my dad that the movies, chronologically, went 4 5 6, then 1 2 3. He refused to believe me. The idea was simply ludicrous to him. Both my parents thought I was making it up.

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My mom sent me to my room for arguing with my father. 

George Lucas got me sent to my room.

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This isn’t necessarily an embarrassing story, it’s just so incredibly stupid I can’t believe it actually happened sometimes. 

Man, parents just don’t understand.

Okay bye!

~Max G

SLEDDING

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We’re all familiar of the trope of the little cartoon kid with the black tooth. It’s the kind of thing you see on The Little Rascals or something. A kid with not a missing tooth, but rather, a tooth that’s just a different color than the rest of the teeth. 

When I was little, I was that kid.

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I had fallen down and hit my mouth on a coffee table, if I remember correctly. I think the dentist had told me the nerve connecting the tooth to the rest of my head had been severed, and that effectively, the tooth had “died”. This caused the tooth to turn a weird dark grey color. The unfortunate part was that all those little strings that keep your teeth in were still attached, so I had to walk around with a grey tooth that wasn’t ready to fall out anytime soon. And yeah, it was a front tooth. 

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I loved sledding when I was little just as much as the next kid. There was a hill by my house we would sled down. During the summer, we’d ride our bikes down it. 

One time I was out sledding with some other kids I didn’t know. I saw some of them going down head first. I thought it looked fun so I decided to try it. I’m sure if my mother was there she would have told me not to.

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Apparently doing it once was all it took to completely hurt myself. 

I sled down the hill and went directly under a truck. It was parked and not moving, but I still managed to entirely scrape my face off on the underside of it. A huge chunk of my face was ripped completely off like the batman villain. http://www.maxgilardi.com/artwork/2011/HorrifyingYouth/horrifying%20you_sledding0004.png

Some of the older teenage kids pulled me out from underneath. They must have been really freaked out because I’m sure I looked like a horrifying demon monster. 

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A chinese teenager and his sister (who inexplicably wasn’t chinese) tried to take me home, probably because they just couldn’t think of anything else to do. I was screaming so loud they couldn’t figure out where my home was. I tried to point to it, but they thought I was pointing to my neighbor’s house and tried to take me there. Eventually we got to my house. 

I went to the hospital and got x-rayed. I don’t know how I managed it but there wasn’t any broken bones or brain damage or anything. They said I just had to wait for the skin on my face to grow back. 

So for a few months I had to go to school looking like this: 

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…As if the other kids didn’t already have enough reason to not talk to me.

Okay bye!

~Max G

TTOHY: Christmas Edition

Years ago, my mother, my sister and I spent one Christmas with my grandmother on my mother’s side. It wasn’t too bad, she gave me some of these comics books. They were pretty lame. I think I still have them around in a drawer somewhere.

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Anyway, it was the end of the day and we were all on my grandmother’s doorstep saying goodbye as we were heading out to the car to go back home. I was pretty anxious to get out of there. 

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Then, my grandmother leans forward and puckers out her lips at me, a sign little kids everywhere recognize, meaning she wanted me to turn my head to the side so she could plant a big sloppy gross grandma kiss on my cheek. 

A LITTLE ABOUT ME: I have some kind of weird social impairment. I don’t know what it is, I’m sure it’s not Asperger’s or anything, but basically it stems from the fact that, even though I consider myself a “smart” person, I am the complete opposite of what you would call a “quick thinker”.

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I can never think of what to say or do when I’m in the moment because I find interacting with people takes place far too quickly for me. I need time to slowly deliberate everything I do. So a lot of times, especially when I’m in an awkward or uncomfortable situation, I find I have to shut my brain off and act/speak on impulse just to keep up with things people are saying to me and the cues I’m being given. And the results are usually mortifying. 

So instead of turning my head to the side, I kissed my grandmother on the lips. Please forgive me for not wanting to draw this.

I spent the entire car ride home feeling disgusted with myself for doing something so repulsive and taboo. 

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Also, for the record, this is the same grandmother who gave me a bottle of shampoo as a Christmas present the earlier year.

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Happy Holidays!

~Max G

TAKING MY DICK OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

When I was little, there was this kid who lived in the house next to mine. Retrospectively, he apparently really wanted to see my penis.

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We were in my backyard once. He was telling me about how he and his brother liked to pee outside all the time. He said that basically everybody does it except me, and that if I refused to pee in my backyard, it’s because I’m a chicken. 

Not wanting to be branded a chicken, I unzipped and took out my little boy junk. 

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But before I could even get a stream going, INSTANTLY my friend who lived on the other side of my house came around into my backyard and saw me with my dick out. 

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He told his mom, and his mom told my mom, and I got sent to my room for taking my dick out in the backyard.

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I laid in bed for the rest of the day.

~Max G.